The Expanded Version.

They all ask - "So! Hows it being a mother to four?", "How are the babies?". All of them, every day.
And to be honest, I'm never quite sure how to respond.

Do people really deep down want to know how the babies are? I always end up giving some generic response such as "oh they are good, sleeping and growing!", because how do you answer that, its so complex. And do you really want to know? Or are you just being polite and making small talk?

And then the reality is that I have four children, four completely and utterly different children all doing four completely and utterly different things. I can't think how else to expand without, you know... expanding ALOT.  Yet most people look at me disappointingly and I feel weird about it. I think its because saying something so benign as 'yeah, they are good", seems so boring and like I'm so uninterested in my own children.

The other day someone went as far as to say in reply to that "oh yeah... I'm not really that maternal either". and internally I'm shreaking. WTF does that even mean? I'm maternal. I don't think I could love beings anymore than I love my family.

And its hard because I am the working parent. Its my contribution to our family, its what keeps us warm, fed and ultimately - healthy. My husband stays home, not because I'm inept but because he is amazing at it, and I'm amazing at keeping money coming in from a job that allows us to have a parent at home.

And its not that I don't want to be at home, that I want to work and have a career because you know what, even though that is nice and my brain is engaged and I'm busy! and doing things! and going places! ...The best time of my entire life was the months between August and October when I got to be home all day doing motherly things. Feeding my children, kissing foreheads, doing washing, basking in cuddles. Even dealing with whinging kids. daytime fucking tv with my husband while the older two were at kindy was The Best. Those months were the first time ever I felt like I had a perfect place to be and that for once, I was actually pretty damn good at it. Number 3 and 4 children is by far the easier.

Though - I feel like I have to hold that in, that I cant say that all the time. Because if I do I might remember that I would rather be at home kissing foreheads and yelling at my kids to stop yelling at each other. And when I'm at work I want to be at work, get the job done, get through it, another day another dollar and just do it to the best of my capabilities.

But in my head, everytime that questions comes up, I think of all the wonderful things I'm missing out on at home. The feelings I have right now, The way my kids are doing or saying things.

The Expanded Version.

So here it is:

Zander, I say to myself, is starting school in the new year. He turns five at the end of January and to be honest I'm not sure how to feel about that. How exciting it is I think, that he is starting this new chapter in his life and then the flip side of that I want to go cry in a corner because how SCARY it is that hes starting school, school is BIG. And he is getting so big. He looks and talks and IS a little boy becoming a Big Boy.
He is amazing with numbers, he can count over a hundred and backwards again. He can do additions and simple subtractions. He is nothing like me in this regard, all his dad and I cant help but be totally amazed and blown away by that.
He makes deals. Or he at least tries to and the screams 'but that is my deal!' if you don't agree to it. He is smart. And witty. And cunning.
He doesn't care so much about others and what is expected of him... except Evie, although he pretends he hates her sometimes they are best friends and he cant do without her.
He changed my life by becoming, the entire path of it.

Evie is growing and changing by the day. Her limbs seems to get longer in seconds, her feet bigger over night. she is a girl and more so now she has her short wee pixie cut (thanks to Zander).  She likes to mimic being a mum or dad with her toys, and Sheldon is often swaddled up, or sitting at the table having breakfast too. She is no longer just the sweet adorable little cherub we had for so long. She has a mind of her own and she knows how to use it. She is brave and confident yet has moments of shyness. She had no problem fitting into kindy or being there on days without Zander. She just smiled and bravely went in on her own, no looking back at me. The teachers never have anything to report because she flies under the radar, just taking things in her step.
She is so creative and happy to explore that. It makes me happy to know shes not afraid of it like I was. I hope she doesn't change in that.
I fight with myself internally every day not to say things in front of her that might turn her into a smaller version of me like 'does this make me look fat?'. Who fucking cares, she doesn't ever need learn to think her worth is based on how she looks. She, more than anyone else, makes me step back and look at my actions, how I talk and how I think or say about myself out loud.
She is life changing.

Poppy is a sweet and lovely little mystery. Shes the quieter one, the one that seems to hang back and sees where the cards are going to fall. She always the first to wake, to need feeding and basic necessities though. Shes the one who 'doesn't sleep as well' but when I say that all I mean is that she needs feeding more regularly - its not that she isnt sleeping at night, she sleeps really well - until she is hungry. Then she eats and goes back to sleep.
When she smiles its like the marshmallow man. She warms my heart.
She looks nothing like her twin, and nothing at all like her siblings. If anything I see my dad's side of the family in her and I think she is Armstrong through and through. I like that alot.
She is my anchor to my past because of it.

Ruby is a joy. Its as simple as that. She seems to be louder, more confident ...although they twins are only 5 months old so I don't know where I get these ideas from. But I feel she is going to be the one Who Will Be Heard.  She is a pretty and a happy little baby. 'She sleeps better than Poppy' but when I say that, I means she sleeps longer than Poppy before needing to feed. She loves doing 'jelly in the bowl'. I love the way she laughs.
She looks like Evie sometimes. And sometimes I see her Granny or even Mel and Chris' kids in her. She is from the Peterson tribe and it shows and I like that she came last, rounding up, finishing off our family like that.

I hate that I don't take more pictures. I dont really even pick up my proper camera anymore and I hate that. They are all changing by the day.. or hour.. or second and sometimes I can't keep up. I keep trying to and wanting to freeze all these moments in my head and heart so that when I'm old I can flip through them all willy nilly and smile and breathe it in.

I love them all so dearly, they are wonderful and amazing and a joy and sometimes I just don't know how to express that all in a simple way to a simple question: 'how are the babies doing?'