The Itch

I've had the itch. Not as in some terrible disease itch, but as in the itch to write. 
But typically, in true perfectionist Kate fashion, I'm finding it hard to do so here. Just like when I study where I need my bedroom study space to be ready, the bed made, it warm enough or cool enough, the desk organised and my books out, everything within a reach. A drink and a snack. the door locked.

I need it tidy and organised, The side bar over there isn't working, its linking all wrong for some reason. The header image annoys me, its not what I want. not the right feel. nothing feels right.

There is also the debate of is this the right medium. And if I start out again, that needs to be perfect too. I've been blogging or ...at least sharing something for a long time. Since 2005 maybe? I had a diary like blog on Livejournal, which due to the nature of the writing ended up getting locked down to people who understood posts in context. But that form of writing doesn't feel right even though not over sharing does. I was prolific on Flickr many years ago, a part of some amazing groups and did some amazing collaborations but no longer am I obsessed with photography, or more to the point, no longer do I have the time and energy to be obsessed with photography. also Flickr has changed apparently, everyone has been bitching about it and I haven't even logged in. Instagram is fun, but I can't write like I want. Tumblr was perfect for a while too, during my brief but rather profound relapse into depression in 2011. I left the Lililly blog then because of that, because the format wasn't right for my sadness, and my exploration of myself. But now its this blog, the posts which do feel right like this one and the old Lililly blog that make me want to start again. Scrolling through and reading posts about my children as babies, my amazing ever changing son especially, the honesty of posts like the Bottlefeeder in Room One where I was frustrated as all hell at the world and ones where I found support, love and friendship.

Lililly is the past though. The name Lililly was a persona of my early 20s and discovering who I was and how to actually be me without pissing off or hurting everyone else in my life.For the record, I figured out that was never going to happen, and just made peace with it.
Here though, this is my life, this is who I am, this feels like what home does. I have briefly shared my love for my children, my amazing husband and glimpses at my incredibly stupid hectic schedule... so I guess if im going to write anywhere, it will be here again.

The problem is not to get bogged down into the 'mommy blogger' persona, which just bums me out. I feel I have to do this or that, to be successful and get audience and whatnot until I realise that hell - do I even WANT a audience? Questions questions questions! they all get in the way of just sitting down like this and writing.

The Itch never left, to be honest, it was always there but the world got in the way of it for a while, balances were tipped as they do every now and then. My computer's magic smoke came out - that wasn't a good start. Its still not fixed and never will be, but I've got alternative means now and right now its 7am and I'm on my husbands computer while he snores in the bedroom. Christmas came and went with a flurry and with it brought news of another pregnancy - a twin pregnancy even - so there was the months of sickness that reined, and the months of exhaustion as I tried to wrap up study as well as my full time and rather hectic work life.

So I figure, if there is a time to write, that time is now. Maternity leave starts in a week and in 7 short ones we will be bringing two whole new lives into the world. Which is so amazing and wonderful and downright phenomenally scary that ...how can I not write about it? 

So here I am, again. Lets try to get comfortable again, and see where it goes.