keepin' on rollin' rollin'

I had a moment the other day where I was hit with a sudden and blinding shock - how quickly time is moving.

Firstly to begin with it was after a series of several other 'moments', moments that included the two eldest children waking up at 4 am swearing black and blue the needed medicine for an invisible disease or condition they have had seemed to develop in their sleep and when I didn't oblige they ended up screaming and stomping and crying and carrying on enough to make them snotty and cough and actually have the very symptoms they had been complaining about 3 minutes before hand. Then after they had realised that I knew it was all a sham they both decided 4 am was a fine time to be awake, even though it was bloody dark and there is nothing to do at 4 am. So I had to get up about five times to tell them to be quiet, close their eyes and go back to sleep. Which they eventually did... Like around 5 am. So I tossed and turned debating whether to go back to sleep. You know how it is right parents, you know there is not much point because you will just have to get up again soon and your not feeling too bad by this point but know if you do close your eyes and not get a solid hour or so you will just end up feeling even worse. But the bed is so warrm and lovely and - zonk.

Needless to say, by the time I woke up with a shock to a baby crying in the other room - I wasn't really in a good mood. I stomped over to the baby monitor to turn it down to silent. I stood cursing jealously at my sleeping husband who was laying on his back snoring away (note: this is completely unfair of me, as he stays up late each night to do the last feed, specifically so I get enough sleep to get up early in the morning and do the early morning shift) I stomped into some pants (remembering I'm still recovering from surgery and actually the stomping hurt and internally berating myself because now I know where my children get this horrible behaviour from) and went to collect whichever child it was making that godawful racket before she woke up the other children who would in turn make more god awful racket.

I was in a miserable mood.

Then, something happened, I had settled in on the couch, managed to sip a few mouthfuls of hot coffee while balancing the bottle of formula between my chin and Poppy's mouth and the peace and quiet of the morning started to relax me again. I glanced down and suddenly realised how BIG Poppy is. Shes like.. normal baby sized. She is no longer this tiny fragile wee bag of organs and bones. And actually, shes quite heavy to hold with one arm ...and actually her head is getting a bit big for it to cradle as easily into the crook of my arm - The shock hit me like a train. When did this happen? When did she get so big?

It was one of those moments, where everything you feel just collides, overwhelmingly, together. I realised that in a few short months, if that, I will no longer be getting up and having these one on one cuddles with my girls. Soon they will be squawking from highchairs, mashing banana into their hair, and soon they too will be enrolling in school. Holy christ. That again.

I realised it had been many months since I snuggled with a baby on the couch.

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The world seems to be spinning at a greater speed every time I open my eyes. And here I am just trucking through everyday, ticking off all the crap that needs to be done without actually stopping and just taking in the moment. Not actually realising how fast each day is going. I had this sudden great annoyance at my self because I know that somedays I'm pleading for the day to be over so I can put my feet up and turn the tv on. Why am I pleading for it to be over? It makes no sense.

At this rate, its going to be over before I know it.